I was in Orlando last weekend to visit my daughter. She owns several pairs of skinny jeans. You know the kind – they make your size four figure look like a size two without hidden panels to hold in the tummy and thighs.

We met one of her friends at Millenium Mall (think Neiman-Marcus) one afternoon. Our first stop was a well-known clothing store, and the girls set about finding something they liked. My question was, “Where is the orthopedic department?”

The orthopedic department is where one finds latex-enhanced clothing to lift and subdue everything that sags and bags. That store didn’t have one so I contented myself with looking at jewelry and scarves. One size fits all.

Next store was to buy a gift for a friend whose baby was baptized on Sunday. The baby was three months old and Mom looked like she wore a size two. You could put a ruler across her flat belly, hipbone to hipbone, and never touch fabric.

I don’t know about other women, but when my children were three months old, I could almost trade maternity clothes for regular orthopedic stuff. It was bad enough to feel like I had been through a twelve-month pregnancy by the time they got here. Wearing the clothes after the birth made it an actual twelve-month pregnancy.

Skinny girls wear thongs and look cute. We orthopods may as well go the Brittney Spears route – sans underpants. Thongs get lost in our saggage.

One last beef about skinny girls. How in the world can they walk all over the mall in those cute flat sandals? Even in my orthopedic shoes with three inches of cushioning, my feet hurt by the time I’ve hit the third store.

Whoever said old age isn’t for cowards was right. Not that I’m all that old. I still notice the guy with the tight butt when he walks past me on his way to a mall hair salon.